But was it, really?
I ask myself this all the time. Was it really abuse? And then I think to myself. I’ll ask the questions and you can let me know.
When he threatened to send me home on trips because I didn’t act how he wanted was it?
When he locked me in the car because he didn’t like my outfit was it?
When I lied to the police the first time to protect him was it?
Oh, but when he threw me around the room like a ragdoll was it?
No, but when he broke my phone with his bare hands when I tried to call the police was it?
When he peed on all my clothes and farted in my face like I was a piece of trash? Yes, a man really did this to me.
But don’t forget when he constantly compared his family’s wealth to my own.
When he made fun of my entire family our last night and then bragged to me of the hottest girl he met at the hot springs with me.
When he found out I hung out with a black man and felt comfortable saying the n word.
When he told me he could say so many things that would make me cry all night.
When he said he would ruin my life just because he could.
When his entire phone was naked women and his messages to them begging for their attention.
When he threatened to stalk me at my work, kill himself if I left, and refuse to let me leave on my own no matter how many times I tried.
When he called me being in the hospital out of depression and pain that he drove me to, while knowing how I have always struggled, my “rock bottom in life.”
I actually laugh when I think back to how I thought I was in love with this person so evil and disgusting.
What lies did I tell myself when he cheated on me constantly? When I was never allowed to wear what I wanted? When I was called a whore and a slut?
I was a 19 year old girl, who had never been loved. I never came from healthy love; I’ve never known healthy love. That’s why I forgive myself. I forgive myself because I was kind. Because I was me. Because I’ve only ever craved love and connection. I had no self-worth and he knew that. Because I showed him what being a kind soul is. I showed him what having light from within is. And he will always remember me as that.
He found me as a girl so vulnerable, so innocent to life, and unaware of how she deserved to be treated. A girl with open eyes and a heart full of life. A girl so beautiful on the inside and outside yet with no idea the power that I held. He must’ve thought he’d hit the jackpot! The perfect girl to take all her happiness for himself! To feed his ego until he could break me.
I lied to every person in my life that it was okay, it was normal, everything was under control. I isolated myself, changed myself, broke myself down until I couldn’t even get back to who I was. For a year I couldn’t get out of bed or look at myself in the mirror after. I know that made him smile.
At 20, I didn’t know better. At 30, he always did. An insecure liar, cheater, and abuser is all he’ll ever be. A person run by ego and driven by money. With a thousand fake friends but yet not a single real one. A low-life addict that will never think he has a problem with the pain he causes every person in his life just by being near. A person so uncomfortable in his own skin and secrets. I used to feel so much empathy to heal and help a person who always planned to ruin me on purpose.
I sit and wonder how I ever could’ve thought this was love. I fell in love with everything he pretended to stand for. A boy who I thought was a flower child, a hippie from Texas. Someone who loved people for their souls, rather than their exterior. For wanting to experience this world, to travel, and be one with nature. Someone who didn’t “care” for money, but chose experiences instead. To see the divine within every being and pray for peace. He is the furthest thing from that in the world. The connection he does have to the universe is a dark one at that. A karmic cycle reflected through his own actions. With eyes so evil I could never look into them again.
In reality, with time, I have found that who I dreamed he was - is who I have always have been. Connected to source in the lightest of ways, which I truly say in a humblest of ways, as I have accumulated through serving with kindness, light, empathy, and love.
Why I clung on so desperately when I wish I could tell that girl she always had that within herself. I thought I needed him to be in tune, when I needed myself to just connect and have faith. But I know I was meant to teach him this, as he was for me.
He was always a bad person, he hides behind his facade, but I chose to pretend that he wasn’t. I always knew he would never be the one for me but needed to find out why for myself. He showed me he was a man who cared for no one other than himself; a man who cheats, lies, hurts others with satisfaction and no remorse, and will never spend a day sober in his life.
And I wouldn’t if I were him too.
I don’t understand why that monster would treat any person male or female like this; much less a 30 year old man. I’m 31. I have never been loved either. I was not abused like you but I have spent most of my life alone.
My uncle was murdered his first month in college in 1971. It was Mr. Union University in Ohio. A paroled criminal got on campus and broke into his dorm and beat him to death over $5. It destroyed my mom’s family. When I was born she insisted that I was homeschooled because she didn’t feel schools were safe.
I went to a private school for high school and commuted for college. My parents did not want me to go away for school.
After college I spent most of my 20s battling health problems.
I’ve had a couple of crushes in my life but they were never mutual. I’ve never kissed a girl and never been in a relationship. I go to a lot of dating events but there’s never a connection.
More than anything, I yearn for a best friend to share life with, to love, to hold at night and to go through life with me. I yearn for a soulmate.
I wear my emotions on my sleeve and struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts; for the past 8 months almost on a daily basis.
You seem like a kind and introspective person who has been through far too much in life at a young age. Find a kind man who is loving, cares about you not for your body or sex but because he loves both your body and your soul. Find a man who will never hurt you but put you first in his life. Find a man who doesn’t hurt others and doesn’t have anger problems. Find a man who has been through the crucible of life and knows what a blessing having you in his life really is. I hope both of us find the love we yearn for and I hope you never meet a man as evil as him again.
- Tom